THIS JUST IN: MATT CLAPS CHILDREN

I know what you're thinking.

"Oh great, another over-sarcastic post from this idiotic fat kid."

Well, I think it's time to just come clean with everything. I never fucking lie, ever. Not even that right there. See what I'm saying? Not a joke. NONE of it's a joke. My bio? Completely true, just ask anyone. I used to be Eminem for a while, too, but then I realized I was gay despite my highly catchy tunes and killed myself. Now I'm back in the form of a guy named James who posts things on the internet. I still make beats, but I decided to grow out my hair. Anyway, I got a story for y'all (SEE!? The MATHERS in me coming back out! I NEVER say "yall" anymore!).

I know this kid named Matt. He's one of those awful gun people; not an open-minded liberal like me at all. God, I hate conservatives like him, including him. Anyway, he's one of my best friends and I've got some secrets about him I think I should tell you.

First and foremost, HE HAS A CRUSH ON MY SISTER! Heehee! By the way, I got a sister too.



Second, and more importantly, he kills people. Most of the time, this isn't a huge thing; as a liberal, I firmly believe in abortion, and that's essentially what murder is. They're just alive a little longer when he does it, but he has a degree and everything. He even sticks 'em in jars afterwards, usually.

However, I have a soft spot for kids, except the retarded ones. They're the future, and we should do EVERYTHING to protect them, even if it means getting rid of all our rights. IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A KID! And Matt, well, he likes killing them sometimes, too.

Now, I know, I know, don't bother saying it.

"BUT JAMES, haven't YOU talked about killing kids!?"

Yes, but when I talk about it, I only mean the retarded ones who stare at me while I'm eating at Wendys. Sitting there, drooling with their helmets on, smelling like a catbox, they're not even really people. Their parents don't even care when I off 'em.

What I'm getting at here is that I'm not nearly as bad as Matt. He kills normal kids. And, unfortunately for these normals, being the good liberal that I am, I'm a pacifist. I'm also an artist, and a photographer! So I snapped this pic earlier.



I know, I know.

"What were you doing there!? Why didn't you stop him!?"

Like I said, you caveman, I'm a pacifist. Plus, I was there because I'm always around kids. Like I said, I got a soft spot for 'em. I volunteer to help teachers (of normals) every now and then, because I just love them so much, right? Only once I got stuck with some tardies, but that's fine, I just yell at them and they can't do shit about it.

Besides, you didn't let me finish. Yes, he kills kids, but did I say he was gonna kill these ones? No, I don't think I did, knuckle-dragger.

But he did shoot at them. DUN DUN DUN!!





WILL THE CHILDREN BE GUNNED DOWN? AREN'T THEY CUTE? GUNS ARE LOUD. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK, SAME SHOOTY CHANNEL, SAME SHOOTY TIME.